It’s the time of the season when one and all come together to participate in the precarious juggling act that is the real test of all of the skills you managed to squeeze onto your CV; the office Crimbo party. Surrounded by both alcohol and colleagues, confusing times lay ahead. So get familiar with our expert guide to help navigate these murky waters, as one wrong move can leave an unfortunate lasting impression which will be harder to shake than a Daiquiri.
Remember, honesty is not the best policy.
“Bog-Off Karen!”
This can come across rude and aggressive and may upset Karen’s feelings. Pent up anger can build up throughout the year and after a snowball or two, you may feel this is the perfect setting to express that. It is not.
“Ah, do you remember last year when Dave spilt bread sauce all over himself?”
Bringing up embarrassing memoirs and reminding the rest of the party about them is going to make Dave feel isolated and foolish. Instead, be attentive to Dave’s glass and slip an extra shot of brandy into his cranberry punch to tempt him into the same fate as last year so everyone can see for themselves.
“Gosh it’s really dropped lately.”
By ‘it’ we refer to the weather, but you’ll see a similar ‘drop’ in peoples’ faces if you resort to this turn of phrase. I know it’s tempting but you must fight the quintessential British demons in your ears to avoid practically announcing how stuck for conversation you are. As an alternative, write down a list of festive jokes on your arm and refer to them throughout the evening to ensure fulfilling and engaging conversation.
“Food’s a bit dodgy isn’t it.”
Making these sorts of remarks about the food in attempts for a few giggles is shameful and sad. You may come across as a snob and it makes it mightily difficult to go back for seconds.
“What did you make of the last quarterly report?”
Literally no one cares, Martin. Literally, no one.
“(Insert Bosses name here) is a total square!”
Bad mouthing your boss might seem to gain you favour with other members of the team but it is distasteful and perhaps lacking a little in festive joy.
“Have you had a chance to submit those couple of files, Sophie?”
Sophie the intern hasn’t got time to submit those couple of files in between all of her hot party invites, going viral and saving the goddamn planet! Sophie will most likely (and quite rightly) send spit to the base of your shoe and then start a rumour about you to all of her cool youthful friends. And just like that, you’re ruined.
“Clearly making cut-backs this year!”
Insulting the event might come across obnoxious and ungrateful. The party planning committee has gone to great lengths to put on this show. Construct a plan to sabotage the event, taking photos as you go along that you can email to managerial positions, resulting in not only having an excuse to leave early but also successful usurpation of the committee.
“Eating for two?”
Assuming people are with child can seem impudent and presumptuous. Just because Liz has allowed herself to a healthy number of mince pies this year and her yuletide jumper is a little clumsy, it doesn’t excuse such careless judgement.
“Did you get a chance to glance over that article on the taxonomy of staplers I sent over?”
Don’t pester senior members in a pathetic and lowly bid to network. These dry exchanges will likely drain every tide of joy out from under them, and you can send your promotion dreams packing!
and a textbook last but not least…
“Hanging around the mistletoe this year?”
This will make you seem creepy and desperate.
Jolly good luck!…
